IT'S ALL ABOUT HAPPINESS, SMILES AND GRINS

I feel a little today like writing a letter to you Jake because I'm missing you so much. Missing hugging you. Holding your hand. Hearing you laugh. Watching you eat. A person could not stay down when you were around because you had the ability to just make them feel good by being in your presence. But I'm not gonna write you a letter.

However I am going to share a feeling. The feeling is Happiness. That's what you were all about Jake.

Happiness, Gratitude, Joy, Laughing, Grinning, Smiling and Feeling Good!

Oh don't get me wrong. I believe with all my heart and soul that there is no greater hurt, no greater pain or heartache than that of a mother who has lost her child. I don't think I will ever in my lifetime know pain like the pain I feel of losing you. I don't mean "losing" you because you are alive in Heaven and I haven't lost you from my heart, but just from knowing you "died". It is a horrific and unnatural deep down wrenching hurt.

I could write and write, hire novelists, poets and experts to write on the subject and all the elloquence and powerful adjectives could still not express the pain in a momma's heart when one of her children dies. A baby she gave birth to and no matter how old they are or how they died there are not adequate words to express the feeling. So why do it. I could try but what is the use. Nothing will change and telling someone how much my heart hurts will not make it hurt less ................. but I think I have found the answer!

Truly I do. I will instead write about all the wonderful things that made up Jake Wendling!

Jake Wendling was an awesome individual. He was someone everyone would have liked being friends with.

I will let people know how kind you were. The values you had. How you made other people feel good about themselves. How it felt when you smiled at me and said "I Love You, Momma". How generous you were with your time, your efforts. How funny you were. Your wit. Your compassionate nature. Your gentleness. Your strength.

Your passion for the N.O.Saints and for Tony Stewart and Nascar. How proud you were to work for an amazing company.

How much you loved our Lord. The relationship you shared with Jesus.

The fact you had an awesome voice. And you could dance like Michael Jackson.

How tickled you were fishing and hunting with your brother.

How you loved studying scripture with your little sister.

How much you looked up to your big sister.

How you loved your Dad. How much fun you had babysitting your baby nephew Luke who called you "Umpah Jake". The unique relationship you had with your step-dad Mike. How very respectful you were to your step-mom Jill.

About all the many, many friends you had. What a green thumb you had. How you loved a pretty lady. All the ladies. And how much you wanted to be a daddy. How proud you were when you bought your home, your new truck.

Skinning your first deer. Loving your little Bston Terrior Bugsy. How you loved family time. Holidays. How you loved dressing up for church. How much you loved to eat. The kind of music you liked. The fact that you could play the cajun scrub board. And had played with some famous people. How easy going you were. How I probably only heard you raise your voice maybe four times in your forty years!

How proud you were when you got your teeth cleaned and whitened. The way you took pride in the city flower beds and being the Horticulturist for the city. Wow. How much you like wearning cologne and smelling nice. The funny way you could tell a joke.

How you couldn't remember what or when you last ate, but you could quote scripture and the statistics of football heroes or racing stats!

That you were a Sunday School Teacher. That you sang in the church choir. The Director of the Men of the Church.... Wow. How dedicated you were in scouts and that you were an Eagle Scout. How compassionate you were to the handicapable.

Ice cream and Cake.

Crawfish...Wow!

Oh boy Jake, I have barely touched the top of the barrel and there are ten times more things that I know you loved, liked, got a kick out of and stood for. So you see I will NEVER run out of happy things to write about. I'll never run out of lessons you taught us.

Fascinating things, simple things, funny things, serious things. But very very few sad things.

Actually the only really sad thing I can really write about is the second you chose to leave us. And then I would be sobbing while writing, but why do that when I have hundreds of things to write about that make me smile and feel good. You see Jake I think I have a job to let others know you in the chance that someone out there may be blessed or helped in some way by knowing what Jake was all about. And if I write only about your death I can't think of how anyone could actually be helped.

Also I know we're told there is never, never any hint of sadness in Heaven, but just on the very slim chance that you can see me being so sad, I believe you might just be a little sad yourself and I don't want to take that chance, Jake. I want you to look down at your momma and see me trusting Jesus and feeling your sweet spirit around me and know without a doubt that you're having the grandest time of your life and that the sheer joy is incomprehensible to understand and for that reason alone I want you to see me SMILE.

I want to know my sweet boy that Jesus has called you over to stand by his side and that He has his arm around you pointing down here and you are grinning and saying to Him,"WOW".

LUCK...OR FATE

Death is just so natural.

When we are born, no one knows if we will be rich or poor, where we will end up living our lives and what occupation we'll follow. What we all do know for certain is that one day we will die.

Jake was a guy who seemed to live his life as that of the proverbial cat with nine lives. From the get-go this little guy faces his difficulties.

At the age of 5 weeks old, Jake was admitted to the hospital with a dual diagnosis. He was failing to thrive which meant he was malnourshed. He was the only one of my four children who was breast fed and he did seem satisfied when he nursed, but he was soon unsatisfied, never crying loudly but rather mewing and wimpering and he also had a hernia. So he stayed there a couple of weeks, with IV feedings and hernia repair surgery. Would he pull through? We were cautious as back in 1970 not as much was known and a tiny baby being put to sleep through anesthesia was risky. He weighed less than 6 pounds while sick. He survived and he thrived.

From birth he caused much concern for our pediatrician who felt his head was enlarged suggesting water on his brain, and he had to be measured weekly for several months and endured MRI's and Scans to determine the cause of his too large head but not being able to pinpoint the cause, we were told that he would likely just grow into his head size. He did, but always had a head a little larger than most and as an adolescent and adult good naturedly accepted more than a fair share of teasing and being sometimes made fun of. Some people would not have been able to withstand these feelings but he shrugged them off and smiled and never let himself get into a pity party. He overcame.

At about age 5 he nearly drowned. My fault and another guilt I have wrestled with until I learned to let go of the guilt and could understand that God would carry that for me. My sister-in-law and I had gone to the Elks Club swimming pool with all our children which numbered probably seven or so and of course in that day I drank as did she and we were sitting beside the pool enjoying a bloody mary and depending on the larger kids to watch the smaller ones when the comotion broke out when my lifeless baby was pulled from the pool and given CPR by the lifeguards. He was taken to the hospital and was fine but another example of him making it through what seemed an inevitable early death.

No more than a year passed when he tried to move an open bucket of paint only to stumble and overturn the entire gallon all over himself. Cobalt Blue enamel! His little head had to be shaved and he had the enamel paint in his ears, eyes, nose and mouth. He again was taken to the hospital and the paint was cleaned off and out but in thinking about it now, I can certainly see how it could have ended very differently.

Jake came to live with us in northern California when he was 19 years old. My then husband and I were caretakers of a privately owned duck hunting club and he wanted to see California and wanted another chance to live with his mama. He began to make friends and most of them were into smoking weed and doing other drugs and using alcohol. An event occurred during a fourth of July gathering of family and friends and he obviously was under the influence of "something" because he became beligerent towards his step-father and he was hit by my husband also under the influence of alcohol and fell to the concrete below. He suffered a close head injury and was operated on for the damage caused by the blow and it was discovered at that time that he had a congenital Dandy Walker Cyst, the culprit from which his head grew faster as a baby. We had never been aware of this cyst. More guilt. Shame. Regret. Jake was implanted with shunts from the brain stem which naturally kept the fluids drained and he had a long recovery. We were told that he might well have no more than ten years of survival. He lived twenty more! He did more than recover. He became everyone's champion and hero. Shortly after his initial recovery he went back to Louisiana and lived with his Daddy. Both of them came to know Christ during this recovery period from his brain surgery. Jake was a different person. A new man.

Probably 15 years later, Jake was with friends from Home Depot and at a place he shouldn't have been just for the plain fact that it was a spot where trouble was likely. He was playing pool and a scuffle broke out and he ended up being badly beat with a pool stick. He had been visiting these friends in New Orleans and was rushed back home to seek medical attention and recovered totally. A near brush.

Jake's vision was never very good after his head surgery and his hand eye coordination poor. So as a result he was a pretty bad driver and scared the pants off of all of us thinking of his driving. Every single person in Jake's family uttered prayers for God to protect him and others when he was behind the wheel. About three years ago, Jake was going home after work and got drowsy driving the country roads and jerked in time to realize he was heading off the road and over corrected his truck and rolled in the ditch. The truck sustained minor damages as well as the driver. Whew!..a very close call for Jake.

These are only the occurances I am aware of. When your kids grow up and move away a parent never knows it all and Thank God, because our worry somewhat ceases when they're grown, but I'm sure there were more close calls.

The day he decided his life on earth was not in his command was the day he chose to end his life with a gun in his own hand. Something mercifully unknown to his family had been so dark and so hurtful that he could not survive.

Was Jake lucky? Or were the hairs on his precious head counted before he was born? So many questions, so many mysteries.

I choose to believe that Jake was spared so many times because it just was not "his time". I think God gave Jake the amount of mobility, of coordination and of vision to get the job done. The job he was created for. I think when God spoke to Jake he listened. You see Jake lived most of his adult life alone and when you're alone you seem to listen more. You have more quiet time. Jake became immersed in the Word. His prayer life was the life he loved. He sought God, he listened to him and he just delighted in telling us how much he loved Him. He would smile that big old toothy grin and his eyes would twinkle and he'd utter "Wow". And Jake would get that far away look in his eyes and just fall silent as if he could see something we could not or was hearing something we were not and he'd slowly shake his head and smile as if he just could not wait to go " Home ".

I'm sure there are many lessons here depending on who is reading and where you are in your life right now, but the lesson for me that exceeds all others is that I can always present my concerns to God and ask him for his protection but after that I can rest assured that He has it. I can let it go. He'll take care of things the way he has planned to all along. As I love to say "we know not what the future holds, but we know who holds the future". What a huge load that takes from us not having to feel in control.

Oh gosh my boy has taught me so very many lessons in the three months since he left us. And not just me.........his sisters, his brother, all of us are so blessed to have had Jake in our midst 40 years. A full ten more years than we thought we'd have him during that dark time when we didn't know if he'd recover from a head injury.

Jake at the Lousiana State Fair,2009.



My sponsor in recovery and her husband blessed me with a little book called "From Sunset To Dawn", and I'd like to share with you a beautiful poem, author unknown.

Say not the boy is dead, but rather say
He's but a little farther on the way,
Impatient sooner to behold the view___
At the next turning you may see it too.
Say he's a child again, early to bed,
On night's soft pillow fain to lay his head.
Say he is off to track the mountain stream,
And lingers by the side in boyish dream.
Say by immortal waters now at rest,
He clasps a thousand memories to his breast.
Say to his wondering quests wise angels, smiling,
Tell the true story of the world's beguiling.
Say on heroic task his soul is thrilling
Where noble dream hath noble deeds fulfilling.
Say that he feasts with comrades tried and true,
But in his heart the banquet waits for you.
Say in the Presence, at a gentle word
He shows his wound-marks to his wounded Lord,
Say never is he dead, but rather say,
He's but a little farther on the way.

AND A LITTLE CHILD SHALL LEAD

I confess.............I have for the most part been guilty of being a "yeah, but" type person. And as Dr. Phil (whom I adore) says, "If you don't own it you can't correct it". A "yeah but" personality is so busy thinking of her/his response to "get" the lesson there is to be learned.

I really don't know God's purpose for my being here. There may be one and there may be many. But I do think I know one of Jake's purposes. I think he was sent to lead our family. The irony of this is that Jake was the youngest, the meekest and the one we all thought of as a follower, not a leader. Because he was quieter. I guess we were under the false impression that to lead you had to be boisterous, loud, demanding and assertive. He was none of those things.

I wonder now how many many times Jake's feelings were hurt by remarks made by me and by others in his family. Well intentioned you understand, but with our thinking we had the answer, we had the smarts, the right thing for Jake to do. To do it our way, to smile differently when having his picture made, to be more assertive, to stand up for himself, to branch out and try different things; different churches, see different people, manage his money differently and on and on and on. As if Jake didn't have the sense to make up his own mind. As if he couldn't make it without our constant input. Funny thing is...Jake had a 401K Plan at Home Depot. He owned his home. He had a long time of continuous employment with the same company. He was a champion of souls winning more souls to heaven that I probably can count. He never gave up on the Saints of New Orleans and never made an enemy and was the first to get to Paradise.



You'd just think that with all this interference and suggestions that Jake would once in awhile say "Yeah but........" But he rarely did. He looked us in the face nodding his head and would then say "right, right" and end with hugging you and saying "God Bless You".

Oh good gracious now that Jake is gone from us the scenes replay over and over all the times I wish I could have some "do overs", but I know I can't. Oh the arrogance of it all. I hate the feelings of grief, despair and sadness, but I will go on and as sad and ashamed as I may feel, I must grab these lessons of Jake's and learn from them and go forward being a better person. I'll try oh so hard to bite my tongue before saying "Yeah but" again.

I can learn from the smallest, least educated, meekest mildest person on earth. That is Humility and that is what my son Jake had. Some virtues of Jake's character were humility, kindness, selflessness, gratitude for being a child of God and his great desire for you to be his brother and sister in Christ.




Thank you baby for the many lessons. May you one day forgive my ignorance and know just how much I admired you and only wish I'd made it known to you while you were here. God willing, someday I might just have that opportunity!