Our third Christmas

Merry Christmas Jake

December 26 and it is hard to believe that our third Christmas without you just passed. The first one was a blur and I though knowing you were with Jesus, Christmas was nonetheless not a happy or joyous day. Last year was perhaps a bit less sad but still not happy or joyous. There was a feeling of "what's the big deal".

But this year was different. This year I have Peace in my heart. We knew sweetness this year.

Many changes have led to this feeling. RoseMeredith was born just this very year on your birthday and as Buddy had practically given up on becoming a father this was just nothing short of a miracle. And of course all of us knew how very much you had wanted children and though bittersweet we still knew you would be over the moon happy. Personal heartaches and difficult times in the family occurred with misunderstandings and blessedly most of those got worked out because we are a forgiving and a loving family. Others will take some time but we are optimistic.  Also there were health scares. With Mike, Buddy, Lori, and Shari. By the grace of God everyone is fine today.


Though I and the others at different times can be brought to our knees in anguish and to tears at the mention of your name, we have come to the place of Acceptance. We Accept that you will not return to us on this earth. We Accept and look forward to the day we will all be together on the other side.

In the meantime, we all try to take a big part of  "Jake" with us in our daily lives. We love more, we forgive more, and we share more of what being a Child of God is today. In this way, we Remember and we know that you Jake are still very much with us. We all keep you close to our hearts and we feel that you watch over us and help guide.  We miss you no less Jake but we are beginning to be able to miss you with a smile now rather than tears.


Thanks be to God.

Fresh on my mind

Good Morning Jake...my sweet boy.

Oh my goodness just one month from tomorrow will make two years since you left this world heavenbound.  I was knocked off my feet when the news came that fateful afternoon on June 17, 2010 telling me that you had shot yourself.  How did it happen. That was the question in all our minds, but today Jake, the reason does not matter. We have done as you always lived. We trusted our Lord. We prayed and we realized we had more friends than we ever knew who cried with us, prayed with us and spoke so lovingly of you and what you had meant to them.

One day became two and before it the days turned into weeks and then into months and now we can say "years". I can let myself go back to that darkest of days I'll likely ever know and the freshness is there. I can go back to shock, grief, disbelief and every other adjective describing heartache but I've learned through this process that I can also choose not to.

I never wanted your sweet 40 years to be defined in that one terrible moment in which your life on earth ended. No Jake, you deserve so much more than that. Your life was an inspiration to all of us who knew and loved you. We all strive to be better people because of you.

There is never a day you are not in my thoughts and there has never been a moment you are not felt in my heart. I'm grateful that it will never be any different. The difference in today than almost two years ago is that I now feel your presence, your love with a smile. My heart smiles today. I'd not want you back here to suffer, to worry, to fear and feel the feelings we feel when you now feel nothing but grace, mercy, love and all the heavenly feelings God promises his children.

I know you see us and I know you guide us in our daily comings and goings. I feel more closely to you today in the garden. My thumb has changed from brown to green and I happily think you helped me with that.

Each time I look upon the face of our sweet RoseMeredith or stop to think of her and what her birth has done for our family...when I look at the sweet face of Lanna, I see you Jake. How you loved children and what a precious precious Uncle you would have been to these little girls. Umpa Jake. How you loved is the measure for how you're loved today Jake.

Until we meet again Jake for our joyous reunion please keep smiling down and gently touching our cheeks.

I love you baby.

Momma

Happy Birthday Jake

A birthday Gift Jake born on your birthday. Your niece Rose Meredith Wendling. So many ways we celebrate your life today Jake. You are so loved and missed.